DRUNK · The Drunkard

Why do you stagger when you walk? Why are your emotions always running high? Why are you seeing double? Because what flows through your veins is not blood, it's delicious vodka, whiskey, tequila, or that sweet, sweet malt liquor! Oh, wonderful alcohol! Every drop burns and boils. Have you grown accustomed to filling your thermos with hard liquor and drinking it like water? What a magnificent spirit! It allows you to joke at the dinner table and hug the toilet bowl in repentance right after. It makes you feel like the poet of the nightlife, the unquenchable fire at the center of the universe—until 10:00 AM the next day, when your head feels like a cracked walnut, food residue clings to the corner of your mouth, and your soul cowers in a corner. You've finally realized that the loud, table-smashing philosopher from last night has officially devolved into a full-time drunkard.